TRAPPED MINERS MIRACLE/TRAGEDY AND OTHER NEWS What do you get when you distill all the day's most relevant news into an easy-to-digest quick information fix? If you've been smoking a lot of weed and you have an unwholesome penchant for coining acronymous neologisms, you get... THE DAILY DIRT "QUINFIX!" Jesus Fucking Nailholes! Fraud, bribery, influence-peddling, money-laundering, "conspiracy"... isn't it amazing how Republican super-lobbyist (and conservative movement paragon) Jack Abramoff just keeps getting guiltier and guiltier? And he ADMITS it! Maybe it's the trail of e-mails he stupidly left behind, in which he boasted of fleecing Native Americans -- or, as he charmingly referred to them, "morons and troglodytes" -- for $60 million dollars. Or maybe it's all his crimson-mitted co-horts agreeing to nail him to the wall in exchange for consideration come sentencing time. Maybe he didn't want to end up like poor Gus Boulis, and figured jail would be as safe a place as any to wait out whatever thugs he may have crossed. Whatever the reason, the last time yer old pal Jerky saw anybody roll over this easy was in a Seymour Butts video. While entering his latest guilty plea, Abramoff declared: "Words will not express my sorrow and profound regret. I hope I can merit forgiveness from the Almighty and those I've wronged or caused to suffer." Yeah-yeah, Jack... whatever you say. Meanwhile, the rest of us are gonna butter that popcorn and put on our raincoats, because it's time for the Congressional bloodbath to begin! It's been over four months since Hurricane Katrina unleashed Hell on the Gulf coast, and although the official death toll hovers somewhere just over the 1300 mark, the bloated corpses of forgotten victims continue to be found on a distressingly regular basis, and hundreds of children are still missing. Allow yer old pal Jerky to underscore two key points, here: 1) "four months later", and 2) "hundreds of children". I mean, seriously… what the fuck?! Leftish blogmeister Atrios de la Eschaton has stumbled across a disturbing bit of network news self-censorship. After picking up on Americablog's report about NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell asking wiretap-exposé author James Risen whether he knew anything about the Bush administration having illegally monitored renowned foreign correspondent Christiane Amanpour, Atrios went directly to NBC's transcript of the interview to check it out for himself. To his dismay, he found that the relevant exchange had been scrubbed. Is it possible that heavy hitters at the Peacock Network's parent company, General Electric, got a call from the White House warning them about the potential loss of lucrative defense industry contracts should the current regime be turfed over their unbridled snoopery? Sure, that's pure speculation on yer old pal Jerky's part, but it makes a helluva lot more sense than NBC's laughable attempt at an explanation for their actions. It took a while, but Preznit Dubya has finally released the hounds in an effort to hunt down the traitorous scum who went to the liberal biased media and told them about his illegal domestic espionage hobby. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell this as yet unidentified tattle-tale that "the first rule of Spy Club is you don't talk about Spy Club!" The thing that most confuses yer old pal Jerky about this latest development is, how can they not know who blew the whistle? I mean, for fuck's sake, they spied on everybody, including the NSA agents who were doing their bidding! Obviously, The Powers That Be are gonna have to keep a tighter leash on their minions... because you can't blow a whistle when you're choking to death. Continuing on the subject of NSA whistleblowers, it will be interesting to see whether the explosive allegations made by former NSA operative Russ Tice turn out to be legit. They certainly seem so to yer old pal Jerky, but our only source so far is the Washington Moonie/Republican Times, which means Tice could very well be dead at the bottom of a mineshaft for all we know. I know, I know... it's way too soon for dead coalminer jokes. On the other hand, considering the tragicomic way in which this story unfolded in the national news media, there remains a remote possibility that they might still be found alive. If you didn't catch David Letterman serving Bill O'Reilly a steaming hot plateful of his own sorry ass, fear not! The good people of CrooksandLiars.com have uploaded the must-see video in a variety of formats and sizes. Yer old pal Jerky's only complaint is that when Dave told Bill he had a feeling "that about 60 percent of what you say is crap", he was being far, far too kind. Y'all know what a "recess appointment" is, right? It's when the President gives someone a job for which they would normally have to be vetted by Congress, only Congress is in "recess", but the President goes ahead and makes the appointment anyway. Probably the most infamous example is John "Douchebag with a Moustache" Bolton, whom Preznit Dubya snuck in as ambassador to the United Nations when it appeared as though he wouldn't survive an up-or-down vote. Yesterday, the Chimp-in-Chief expanded on his imperial tradition by appointing a whole buttload of people to various and sundry positions in charge of defense, homeland security, public transportation and (oh shit) election reform. We here at the Daily Dirt fully expect these recipients of the Preznit's cronyism and nepotistic largesse to do a heck of a job, just like Brownie. What Byzantine sequence of events could possibly have lead to a notorious New York City cocaine dealer being interviewed on video brandishing First Daughter Jenna Bush's college ID and all but bragging that he bedded the boozy brat in a wild night of lurid drugsex? As soon as the Secret Service is through with their investigation, we here at the Daily Dirt will do our best to fill you in. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 4 On this day in 1974, President Richard Nixon refuses to hand over materials subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee, but his brazen stonewalling eventually backfires. That's why, on September 11th, 2001, Tricky Dick looked up from Hell, slapped his maggot-chewed forehead and said: "Why the fuck didn't I think of that?!" On this day in 1943, exactly four years and two days after naming Adolf Hitler their "Man of the Year" for 1939, the editors of Time Magazine single out Soviet dictator Josef Stalin for their perennial, and occasionally ironic, accolade.

THEY SAID IT! "There are different kinds of truths for different kinds of people. There are truths appropriate for children; truths that are appropriate for students; truths that are appropriate for educated adults; and truths that are appropriate for highly educated adults, and the notion that there should be one set of truths available to everyone is a modern democratic fallacy. It doesn't work." - Neoconservative godfather Irving Kristol elucidates a cornerstone of his wretched philosophy: an unswerving belief in the power of the noble lie. It is from this belief that all our pious atheists (prime example: Antonin Scalia) ooze like fresh-squozen pus. *** **** *** "I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all. Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie." - Looks like Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David won't be seeing Brokeback Mountain.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said: "Implants?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Remo for sending in today's second joke. Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration. The INS officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take. Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States of America." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." The officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green and I Pink it up and say Yellow, this is Mujibar." Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Verizon's help desk. I just talked to him yesterday. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by SingleM29. One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BRAGGIN' UP ON ME care of: Steve In regard to the note of December 31, 2005 signed Joe Spitzer: How dare he presume to be your peer? Your writing is trenchant, articulate, opportune, and most importantly, witty. I also find your essays to be concise, as well as cogent, and while I found your site during a hunt for pornography, I visit daily to read your most entertaining missives about the events that shape our lives. Like other pundits, I do not agree with all that you assert, but unlike most other critics (Fox, etc.), the majority of your erudite declarations are logically thought out and presented. I look forward to your columns in the same way I wait for those written by William Rivers Pitt, Marjorie Cohn, Howard Zinn, Sy Hersh or Lewis Lapham to name but a few of small flames of illumination within our darkening world. Without you, I would not have found the Daily Kos, Talking Points, and a host of other sites and blogs as early as I have. I implore you to continue with your efforts and ignore the meager efforts of the Spitzers of the world to discourage and disparage your talents and efforts to enlighten the masses. You are one of my heroes. You got off your ass and started fighting back. That quality is rare and becoming rarer as our society becomes narcotized by a media beholden to TPTB and an educational system that no longer teaches children how to think. When I march in a peace rally, or attend a silent vigil, I do so in solidarity with people like you and the rest of the civil libertarians and peace warriors who have not cravenly capitulated to an oligarchy cannibalizing our world. Fuck the shallow and the inane, like Joe Spitzer, and know that many out here love your work and respect your courage. Your admirer, Steve [Insert image of Jerky wiping tear from his eye here. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! So I just got home from two hours of sweat-inducing, neighbor-waking, try-everything-you've-seen-in-videos-cuz-this-chick-ain't-sayin-no sex, followed up by the best blowjob of my life. I decided to share this news with someone, and thought to myself "hey! I'll bet Jerky's not having sex right now! He'll appreciate the thought." CT [Gee... thanks. - Jerky] *** **** *** hey jerky; i see Bush is playing with his weather machine again. SingleM29 [You mean those unprecedentedly savage New Year's fires and floods? Personally, I think that's just God letting us know it's pissed off... and I'm an atheist! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hooter (slang for "J"); Both the Doc and ACD ought to team up, putting them opposable thumbs to use hitchhiking over to visit Maui Maven or Snoop Fragizzle and hang out until thier front facing eyes are mere plasma engorged slits. And then, once thoroughly baked, they should combine thier over-stimulated cerebral cortii, focusing on a constructive project to improve life quality for those folks who've lost their fucking HISTORIC CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE. Druid Athiest [I'm pretty sure it would be a swell and productive time time for all involved. - Jerky] *** **** *** J, What if every person on the internet mentioned to all of their friends to write at the end of all of their email 3 key words -- "Al Q---- k--- b---" -- randomly at the end? The words being the name of the group involved in the nasty twin tower disaster the second being euthanasia and the last being the commander in chief, do you think it would overload the system and free the people of this once and future great country? See how I did that sows not to generate any suspicion? Beaver [I don't think "every person on the internet" would go for it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, A group of survivors of the Indonesian tsunami decided that they would never again live in such a risky place, so they all moved to the mountains of Pakistan. Aram [Sigh. - Jerky] *** **** *** help me jerky; Bush is spying on me. i would never of knew it if it wasn't for the toilet clogging up all the time everyone knows he's full of shit. SingleM29 [That one doen't even make any sense. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; A few months from now will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. He called it "Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty". Nan or Ben [That's so bad, it could have been written by me. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com